WELCOM TO . . ABC JOKES . . PAGE 02
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WELCOM TO . . ABC JOKES . . PAGE 02
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A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone!"
Q: Why couldn't O. J. play baseball?
A: He couldn't find his bloody glove!
A bar owner in the Old West has just
hired a timid new bartender. The owner of the establishment is
giving his new hire some instructions on running the place. He
tells the timid man, "If you ever hear that Big John is
coming to town, drop everything and run for the hills!! He's the
meanest, biggest, nastiest outlaw who ever lived!!"
A few weeks pass uneventfully. But one afternoon, a local
cowhand comes running through town yelling, "Big John is
coming to town!! Run for your lives!!!"
When the bartender exits the saloon to start running, he's
knocked to the ground by several townspeople scurrying out of
town. As he's picking himself up, he sees a large man approaching
the saloon, probably about 7 feet tall, muscular, grunting and
growling as he walks.
He stomps up to the door, orders the poor barkeep inside,
and demands, "I want a beer NOW!!"
He pounds his heavy fist on the bar, splitting it in half.
The bartender nervously hands the big man a beer, hands shaking.
He takes the beer, rips the top of the bottle off with his teeth,
and downs the beer in one gulp.
As the poor timid bartender cowers behind the bar, the big
man gets up to leave. "Do you want another beer?" the
bartender calls out.
"Dang it, I don't have time!!" the big man yells.
"I gotta get out of town!!! Didn't ya hear Big John is a-comin??"
An Iowan walks into a hardware store and
asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The
salesman recommends the top of the line model. The Iowan is
suitably impressed, and buys it.
The next day he brings it back and says, "This
chainsaw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took
ALL DAMN DAY!"
The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's
wrong, and the Iowan says, "What's that noise?"
A man takes the day off work and decides
to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a
frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is
about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron." The man
looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong,
puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10
inches from the cup. He is shocked.
He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be
a lucky frog, eh?"
The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit. 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man
is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day,
the man golfed the best game of golf in his life.
The man asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now
what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit, Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks,"What
do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000,black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the
golf game, the man trusts the frog. Boom! Tons of cash comes
sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and
buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know
how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever
grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he
deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old
girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my
room."
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eys, and bows down in prayer. His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
Judge: Look here Mickey Mouse, I cannot
grant you a divorce from Minnie.
Mickey (stunned): Why not?
Judge: I have reviewed all the information you gave the court,
but i can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that
she is crazy.
Mickey (exasperated): Your honor! I didn't say she was crazy... I
said she was fu**ing Goofy!
A group of blondes walk into a bar. One
of the women tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for
all of them. The gals lift their glasses and toast, "Here's
to 51 days!" and they proceed to down their drinks. Once
again, they tell the bartender to "line 'em up", and
once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks.
The bartender says, "I don't get it. Why in the world
are you toasting 51 days?"
One of the blondes explains, "We just finished a
jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box '2-4 years,' but we
finished it in 51 days!"
A woman took her dog to the vet "Doctor,"
she said, "I think my dog is dead". The doctor laid the
dog on the table and reached down and took a cat out of a box.
The cat walked all over the dog and the dog didn't move.
"Yes, your dog is dead," says the doctor.
"How much do I owe you?" the lady asks.
"$345," says the doctor.
"$345!!?" the lady asks.
"Yes. $45 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."
Once there was a millionaire, who
collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of
his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who
was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during
the party he announces, "My dear guests...I have a
proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or
my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of
alligators and emerge unharmed!"
As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound
of a large SPLASH!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with
all he could...the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking.
Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire
was impressed.
He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I
didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the
bargain...which do you want, my daughter or the one million
dollars?"
The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I
don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that
WATER!!!
St.Peter was checking the gate beween
Heaven and Hell and found a broken hinge. He walked over to the
"Pit" and called to the Devil...The Devil says, "Yeah,
whaddya want..?",
St. Peter: "The hinge is broken and it's your turn to fix it.."
.
The Devil retorted: "Gee, I am a bit busy and don't have
anyone available for this.." ,
St. Peter got angry, "Look, we have an agreement, and it's
your turn to fix the gate..!" ,
The Devil responded, "Sorry Pete, it's our peak season and
there just isn't anyone available..."
St. Peter turned red and exclaimed..."Ok, if that's the way
you want it, we'll sue..!"
A big grin broke out on the Devil's face, "Oh yeah, and just
where are you going to find a lawyer...?!"
There was this little girl whose name was Texas and then there was a teenage boy who just recently got out of a Detention Center for murder. It was the kids birthday and for some odd reason his mother got him a knife but told him to be Extra careful with it! Texas had her first day of school she had just moved and when the teacher asked her what her name was, she replied "Texas." Of course the teacher didn't believe her so she sent her home for lying. On her way home she bumped into the boy who had the knife in his hand. He roughly told her that if she didn't tell him her name he would kill her. SHe repilied "my name is Texas." He stabbed her once and ran home. When he walk in the door his mom asked him what he did with his knife today. He told her, "It's deep in the heart of TEXAS!"
Joke #1
Q - Did you hear that Princess Diana was on the radio,.... and
the dashboard,... and the steering wheel,....
Joke #2
Q - What did Pricness Diana say to Dodi Faijed when he presented
her with a multi-thousand dollar ring in the Mercades?
A - "Dodi,... I think that we're moving too fast,..."
Joke #3
Q - How is Princess Diana different from Tiger Woods?
A - Tiger Woods knows how to pick a driver.
A sucessful business man became disenchanted with the stress of the fast life in the big city and decides to chuck it all. He takes his savings and purchases a large ranch in the middle of nowhere in Montana. After a couple of months of enjoying the solitude he hears the drumming of hoofbeats outside his cabin. Grabbing his rifle he challenges the man riding up on the horse. "Hold it neighbor" the man says, " I'm your neighbor, I have a ranch only 6 miles from here, and I want to invite you to a Welcome Party I'm throwing for you next Saturday. There's going to be music, dancing, hugging, kissing, drinking, fighting.... We'll have a great time". Not wanting to be unneighborly the new rancher lowers the rifle and ask's " How should I dress?" " Aw, don't matter" replied the neighbor, " Only gonna be the two of us".
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy,
Bob. They loaded up Jack's station-wagon and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a
terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farmhouse and asked
the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.
"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm
afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my
house."
"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to
sleep in the barn."
Nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widow's attorney.
He called up his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you
remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up
to the house and have sex with her?"
"Yes, I have to admit that I did."
"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your
name?"
Bob's face turns red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."
"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"