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FUNNY PICS PAGES - - PICS 01 . PICS 02
The Wrong Number!!
Man calls home.
Maid answers phone.
He says, "Can I speak to my wife?"
She says, "No, she's upstairs in bed with her boyfriend."
He's maid--says, "Ok, go to the hall closet and take out my
shotgun. Go upstairs and kill them both."
Being the loyal maid, she says, "Ok."
5 minutes later she picks up the phone and says, "Ok, they're
both dead. What should I do with the bodies?"
He says, "Throw them in the pool, and I'll take care of them
when I get home."
She says, "We don't have a pool."
He asks, "Is this 555-1234?"
One night a burglar is trying to break
into a house. He's sneaking across the lawn when he hears a voice
-
"Jesus is watching you!"
He jumps, turns around, but he doesn't see anything. So he
starts creeping across the lawn again. "Jesus is watching
you!"
He hears it again. So now the burglar is really looking
around, and he sees a parrot in a cage by the side of the house.
He says to the parrot,
"Did you say that?"
The parrot answers "Yes I did."
So the burglar says , "What's your name?"
The parrot says "Clarence." The burglar says
"What kind of stupid idiot would name his parrot Clarence?"
The parrot laughs and says,
"The same stupid idiot that named his Rottweiler 'Jesus'
"
3 nuns were assigned to paint a room in a
church. It was a really hot day and the nuns were getting really
hot in those black clothes they wear so they took off all their
clothes and went on painting naked. Later they heard a knock on
the door....
"Who is it?????", The man who knocked replied,
"I'm the blind man".
So, the nuns decided to let him in since he would not be
able to see them. The nuns let him into the room.... The man then
looked around the room, then looked at them and said, "nice
tits sisters, where do you want the blinds??"
sudden the old man reaches over An old
couple were sitting on the porch one afternoon rocking in their
rocking chairs. All the and slaps his wife.
She says, "Well what was that for?"
He says, "Thats for 40 years of rotten sex!"
She doesn't reply and they start rocking again.
All the sudden the old lady reaches up and slaps her
husband.
He says, "Well what was that for?"
She says, "That's for knowing the difference!"
Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."
Q: What's the difference between Simba and O.J.?
A: One's an African lion the other a lion African!
A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He
lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is
most definitely not happy. "Where the hell have you
been all night?" she demands.
"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden
Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a
golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks
the phone book, finding a place across town called the
Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's
story.
"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the
bartender answers the phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling,
"Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in
your saxophone last night!"
Harold's new job had him working really late.
He decides to get his wife a watchdog. He goes to the pet store
and asks for a doberman.
The employee said, "If its a guard dog you want I have a dog
just for you." The man walks to the back of the store
to get a dog and comes back with a little poodle.
Harold says, "This small thing, a watch dog? You're kidding,
right?"
The employee says, "No, this dog is special; he knows karate."
"Karate? I don't believe it," Harold says.
The employee puts the dog down and says, "Karate the sign."
And he points to a sign advertising dog food. The dog runs
up and rips the sign to shreds. Harold is amazed at this.
The employee then says, "Karate the chair." And he
points to a chair in the corner. The dog runs up and rips
the chair to shreds. By now Harold is convinced.
"I'll take him," he says.
When he gets home he surprises his wife and she yells out, "This
little thing, a watch dog? No way." Harold says,
"But this dog knows karate."
"Karate," she yells. "Karate my ass!"
Guy goes to the gates of heaven where he meets
St. Peter. St. Peter says to him "God has looked at your
book of life and you are welcome in heaven under one condition"
The man say "What's that?"
St. Peter says "You must spell the word 'Love'." So he
does and he is let in to heaven. As he gets in, St. Peter's
beeper goes off. He tells the man to watch the gate until he
returns, and reminds him that he must ask whoever comes to spell
the word. Next thing you know, his wife show up at the gate and
he asks her what she is doing there?
She says that on the way home from the funeral, there was an
accident and she died. The husband says alright, but you do
have to spell one word first before you come in to heaven.
She asks "What's that?"
He says "Spell Czechoslovakia"
A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber"
in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting
pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his
hands and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to find
out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate,
"How did you loose your leg?" The pirate responded,
"I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!"
His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked,
"What about you hand. Did you loose it at the same time?"
"No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the
sharks off the Florida Keys." Finally, the land-lubber asked,
"I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you loose your
eye? The pirate answered,
"I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and
crapped right in me eye." The land-lubber asked,
"How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?"
The pirate snapped,
"It was the day after I got me hook!"
It was the first day after Christmas
vacation in a 3rd grade class. The teacher told the class that
each student could tell the class 1 thing they got for Christmas.
So, the teacher calls on a girl to come up to the front of the
class and tell everyone 1 thing she got.
"My daddy got me a Bow-Wow," she said.
The teacher tells the class that they are old enough to
know the correct words for things without using nicknames. The
teacher tells the girl to try again. The girl thinks real hard
........
"My dad got me a dog," she said.
She sat down and a boy got up and said,
"I got a choo-choo!"
The teacher scolded him and told him to try again. The boy
thought hard and said,
"I got an electric train!!"
That boy sits down and a really shy kid gets up and sadly
says,
"I got a book"
The teacher feels bad for the kid and she asks,
"What was the title of the book??"
The boy thinks very hard. The class waits as the boy is
thinking. Finally, the boys face brightened and he said,
"Winnie The Sh*t!!"
This woman's husband was cheating on her.
The woman and her husband got a divorce and the woman went on
with her life hating her ex-husband. One day she found a
beautifull lamp lieing in the streets. She picked it up and
rubbed it a little bit. Suddenly, a geenie popped out of the lamp!
The geenie said that it would grant her 3 wishes & that with
every wish her husband it get the same thing only double!
So, the woman thinks of a first wish...
"I want to be rich!!!"
So, the woman became rich, and the husband became twice as rich!
So, the woman thinks of a second wish...
"I want to be beautifull!!"
So, the woman became beautifull, and the husband became twice as
beautifull.
"Okay", the geenie says. "This is your last
wish so be carefull what you wish for!"
The woman thinks real hard and finally comes to a desision.
"I Want You To Scare me HALF To Death!!"
Two men sit at a bar. The first one just
slowly sips at his drink, studying the other man at the far end
of the bar. Finally, the first man makes up his mind, and walks
up the the second man. He sits back down and continues nursing
his drink. The second man, thinking nothing of it, continues his
drinking in peace. After a while, the first man speaks up.
"This place is great, isn't it?" he asks. The
second man, somewhat surprised at the stranger's remark, replies.
"Why do you say that?" The first man, in a low
tone of voice, responds, "Follow me." The second man,
well drawn up into this hush-hush secret attribute of the bar,
follows. They stop at the large window at one end of the room.
"Here's why." The first man thows open the window,
and boldly steps out into--nothing. But he remains aloft!
"The air currents are great here!" he exclaims.
"It's very relaxing." As his feet return to the bar-room
floor, he invites the second man to try it. The second man,
somewhat questioningly, looks over the windowsill--down to the
pavement twelve stories below. He looks to either side, and
finally up above, to see if there was anything holding the first
man up. Convinced that it was no trickery, the second man
swollows, closes his eyes, and steps out into-- nothing. And
promptly falls twelve stories to the pavement below.
The second man, with a slight grin on his face, gets his
drink, returns to his original spot at the bar, and starts
sipping again. Looking rather irritated, the barkeep comes over
to the place where the man sits.
"You know," he says, disgusted. "You're a
real jerk when you're drunk, Mr. Kent."
Three men died and went to heaven.
When they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter stopped them and
said,
"Due to over population, I can only let one of you in.
Whoever can tell me the best story of his death can enter Heaven."
The first guy began his story: "I lived on the 25th
floor of a high rise apartment building. Every day when I went to
work, my nosy neighbor called me and said that there was a
stranger in my house and that he could hear wild, passionate
loving making noises. I finally got fed up with it and decide to
go home at lunch time and check things out. When I got home my
wife was sitting on the couch naked. I got extremely upset. I
went through the house searching everywhere. Under the table, in
the closet, even under the bed. I couldn't find anyone. Then I
looked outside on the balcony and saw two hands hanging onto the
ledge. I ran outside looked down at him and noticed that he wasn't
wearing any pants. I took off my shoe and started beating his
hands. He fell 25 stories and landed on the canvas in front of
the building. He wasn't dead. So I rolled the refrigerator out
and pushed it on top of him. When I did, I had a massive heart
attack and died."
The second man's story: "I am a window washer at a
high rise apartment building. I was washing windows on the 27th
floor when my scaffold broke. My pants got caught on the scaffold
and ripped off. I managed to stay alive by grabbing a ledge of a
balcony. I was okay until this guy started beating my hands with
his shoes. I fell and landed on the canvas in front of the
building. I was still alive. Then the next thing I know, a
refrigerator landed on me and I died."
The third story: "Well, I was in this refrigerator
minding my own business....
Shortly after Bill Gates was killed in a
freak accident, he found himself being sized up by Saint Peter.
"Bill, this is a tough call. You've made great technological
advancements with Microsoft, but you've also given us Windows 95.
I think I'm going to let you choose between Heaven and Hell."
"That sounds fair," Gates replied. "May I
have a look at hell first?"
And so first Saint Peter took him to Hell.
"This is hell? Wow, look at all those gorgeous women,
the ones that laughed when I asked them out on dates in high
school. And look at those mansions!" exclaimed Bill.
"And see all those coders? They work 24 hours a day
for free just because they really love you, Bill, and live only
to please you."
"Shazam, this is all virtual, isn't it, Saint Peter?"
"Yep. With no bugs, Bill."
"If this is hell, what can heaven be like?"
(Saint Peter makes sweeping gesture) "Like this!"
"People wearing robes and playing harps while they sit
on clouds? What a boring cliche. I'll take Hell!" replies,
Gates.
And so two weeks later, St Peter paid a little visit.
"Hey what the hell's going on? It's nearly 200 degrees
and the air is terrible. There's no food or drink. Goblins jab me
in the ribs constantly. I'm crawling with vermin and weak with
disease. They play the Beastie Boys at all hours, for all
eternity. There are NO COMPUTERS! Where are the women, the
program slaves, the virtual wonders? Where is the splendid hell
you promised me?" cries Gates.
"Oh that, that was just a demo..."